1. |
Kalamazoo
02:55
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I'm barely standing up, anchoring myself against the wall and what I drank to ease my nervous mouth is now threatening to throw me around.
And this is where you kissed me, at a party in a house with no heat in a kitchen with no steady light, the flickering fluorescent putting up a fight.
And now we made the decision that we need to leave this party and flee to freeze our bodies in the street.
I'm trying to keep you close. I feel you shivering through your thin clothes and we are skin and bones, stumbling downtown in the city you've been calling home.
I need time, I want warmth, I think we want to drink a little more. I'm getting tired of the way I'm waiting, just say "let's go anywhere that we can be alone".
It's such an obvious lie when after all of this time you finally decide you think we oughta head home.
My heart was racing all the way home straight through the morning til the sun rose.
When you call me excited and, true, we show promise then two weeks later we're through. But I refuse to be terrified and I refuse to let the fire die and I refuse to question any motives that I can't find. I need to know just how you feel and if I'm on your mind.
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2. |
Illinois
02:58
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I swear you try to police me and I know it's hard for us but I trust you completely. I swear you criticize me. You hold me up to bright white lights to try and find faults inside me. Well, oh well. The shine of reflectors marking the boundaries and contours ever spurring you onward further from home. It's two in the morning, we're crossing the mighty Mississippi over Davenport on 80, towards Iowa City.
I swear you separate me from what I really love and what compliments me. I know you're feeling lonely, but know you're not replaced by all these places we've been going. For each point of contention, each cause for a dispute, I was stubborn and small enough to blame it all on you. On the train to Boston South, I remember having my first doubts; I wrote to you and then I called her.
I selfishly ignored your calls only to realize how I missed you during that long and quiet driving last night down through Illinois and east into the sunrise, where on the edge of sleep, we woke up to the light. The road and open fields at night, the headlights form an endless line to planes that trace across the sky and miles above, they watch us all go.
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3. |
Twenty Two
03:09
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Try not to be so frustrated by the great ideas everyone else seems to have. You know that it takes a while and that's just your style, that's what you have. Remember that everybody struggles with getting the best of what's in their heart to their hands. Believe that if you are honest, they'll recognize it and understand.
If you set your goals, you should know at twenty two it's all on you.
You're being too self-aware of how your life compares to all your old friends with new careers. Remember that you are happy and you're taking a chance, be proud of that. Don't be the asshole who gets all depressed when anything isn't going his way. Remind yourself of the ups when you are down, you can't be on top every day.
Now we're heading out and we're safe for now, we're flowing through the heartland traveling capillary routes and late at night a reflective highway sign brings back a girl I used to know and why I'm not part of her life anymore.
Oh no, that girl, she let me go and she said "oh, you should know, you should know. I think I fell for you so please be careful, please be kind." And I lied, oh I lied, Oh I lied! And said everything that she wanted to hear from me, oh what an asshole I can be.
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4. |
Mock Orange
03:42
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I guess it was this winter when I learned we hide behind our words. Before you act impulsively obtuse, maybe you should ask first.
These day I'm feeling older and older and I can't wait or put off life to the point it's too late to make a change. It comes slow and it's hard to accept, but it's worked so far and I believe that we have to believe in who we are.
I say we're better in our own way. Listen to your heart, don't leave it in the open. Don't let them write you out and treat it like it's nothing. Months of lost control and empty shows just wastes our time, we say.
These days are getting warmer and warmer and I can't wait to roll down the windows and let in the breeze of every state to the east coast. Last summer we stood in the street in Queens, June was alive in a borough composed of gray and green and the rain fell down and steamed on the concrete. Everything moved like music. Like some kind of jazz I can't understand. Conduction came from everywhere.
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5. |
Cruise
06:10
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I think it's safe to use the word mistake.
Making sure that we're on the same page.
I wonder if I'll come across as fake.
I think I've made a choice.
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Ender Kalamazoo
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