by Ender

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released November 11, 2010



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Ender Kalamazoo


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Track Name: Illinois
I swear you try to police me and I know it's hard for us but I trust you completely.
And I swear you criticize me, you hold me up to bright white lights to try and find faults inside me.
I swear you separate me from what I really love and what compliments me.
I know you're feeling lonely, but know you're not replaced by all these places we've been going.

I ignored your call and I realized how I missed you on the long and quiet drive last night through Illinois and east to the sun rise where on the edge of sleep we woke up to the light.

The road and open fields at night
our headlights form an endless line
to planes that trace across the sky
and miles above they watch us all go.
Track Name: Kalamazoo
I'm barely standing up, anchoring myself against the wall and what I drank to ease my nervous mouth is threatening to throw me around. And this is where you kiss me, at a party in a house with no heat, in a kitchen with no steady light, the flickering florescent putting up a fight. So we made the decision that we need to leave this party and flee to freeze our bodies in the street.

I'm trying to keep you close. I feel to shiver through your thin clothes. And we are skin and bones, stumbling downtown through the city you've been calling home. I need time, I want warmth, I think we wanna drink a little more. I'm getting tired of the way I'm waiting, just say let's go anywhere that we can be alone.

It's such an obvious lie when after all of this time you finally decide you think we oughta head home.

You call me excited and true, we show promise then two weeks later we're through. But I refuse to be terrified and I refuse to let the fire die and I refuse to question any motive that I can't find. I need to know just how you feel and if I'm on your mind.
Track Name: Let's Turn Into Snakes
At first it was never, then only hardly ever, now it's every other day. I make it harder to change my mind when I'm focused on the last time, every time.

We hit our sixth in the summer and I know it's just a number, but it scares me to death. I see no benefit of the doubt, I believe I have to work it out. There's no work-around.

And you, you gave me so much support and love and I owe you so much. That's why this is so tough.

It's sickening and selfish and I wish that I could help it. I think I'm trading you for the young and chasing after every futile one and I know it's wrong.

And you, you gave me so much support and love and I owe you so much, that's why this is so tough to do. Oh and I, I didn't want to make up my mind and face the consequence of a bad move, admitting down the line that I miss you to death.

I guess the way that I feel has changed and so has the way that I treat you and if I hurt you I didn't mean to. I didn't want to break your heart, but I don't want to stay together and make you feel this way forever. I just wanted to give it time and try to figure out what's right and make up my mind to make up my mind.

At first it was never, then only hardly ever. Now it's every day.
Track Name: Brash
With truth in his gut he won't shut the fuck up and I say, "I don't want to hear it." By now I'd be used to recitals of all the abuse.

So we can be honest when the bottle comes down and gets passed to me, why not right now? I'll have my body dragged all over town and haunt you now.

A good friend's prescription was sharpening our diction in search for something of value. We deeply discussed our disgust for the stations we've held, we're no good for ourselves.

So we put our problems into eachother's hands, from one to another irresponsible man. These nights spurred our least probably plans, foolish and brash.

Are you blind? Are you blind, yet? Can you see?
Are you high? Are you high, man? I think I need a little bit more.

I'm calling all of my dearest friends.
I'm calling all my own dearest friends.
I'm calling you my once dearest friend.
I'm calling you the ghost I miss the most, the worst of the lessons I've learned in the hardest of ways from a god awful mistake.
I'm calling you my once dearest friend.
Track Name: This Place Could Be My Home
I didn't choose the state I was born in like you didn't choose the day you were born, so don't you tell me how inconvenient I have become.

There's not much more than sentiment that's keeping me, not much case for hanging on. Who says where your belongings are is where you belong?

I think I'd be happy wherever you are and each time I come back, it doesn't seem as far.

I'm kinda disappointed that I only just met you and envious of your home town and everyone that always had you around.

I'm starting to think that it's not the goodbyes but the in-between that gets you down. We've walked the streets of your town a few times now.

God knows how uneasy I feel about change, but the more I come here the more I wanna stay. And I don't know these streets and I don't know the way but this place could be my home if you want me to stay.

You should know that I'm not quite deceiving, just sometimes quick about moving on. Some ghosts need to be hid before they move along. I'm banking on your loneliness and I hope that you take no offense to that. It's nice to be the place where you keep coming back.

And I don't mind my role or your predictable ways. I swear the more you love me, the less I'll be away. And I don't know these streets and I don't know the way, but this place could be my home if you want me to stay.

If you ask me to stay, this place could be my home.
Track Name: Lalaou & Pepe
Oh dreaded conversation
Oh what a boring story
there is a reason that i keep myself at home
Everything I am I took from everyone I know
Yes, they are all the books and I am just the notes

Don't know where to put my hands
or what to say at all
untie my tongue tracing out circles on the table cloth
I figured all was a loss
You would not believe I changed at all
I know you had your doubts of my holy roman bout
questioning my contrition and you're calling me out
If this is just remorse just now sinking in
I think my bones are letting it in

So I decided I should change
Oh it was easy to arrange
It was impractical to act so disengaged
Going on and on about the time that people waste
and criticize for what I was but would not face

Can you imagine me use the word hypocrite?
when even changing now could never change who I had always been
and I do admit I was a kid
too long, too long
and I epiphanized but people don't forget
You're not judged for anything but what you did
I said I'd learn from this, you said that sometimes I can be so naive

I am tired and teased
I've begged on my knees
You're always closing the doors
daring me to find the keys

If there was hope anymore
If you really wanted me
You would stop playing all the games
and you wouldn't want to leave

So you're already gone